Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
