Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Randomize
