Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
What should our trivia night team be named?
Define Statutory
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
