I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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