The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
