I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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