nut hugger
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
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So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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