I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
