In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
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