You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
