i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
