well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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