This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
