stop calling my apartment porn island.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Randomize
