whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
