I accidentally had phone sex last night
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
