her vagine was all disorganized.
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Randomize
