I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
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