new low.... made out with someone while peeing
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Help. Why am I so naked?
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
