Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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