so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
