she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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