the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
