i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Randomize
