I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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