Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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