I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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