I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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