Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
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