and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Randomize
