I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
In other news, I just burned my penis
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
