I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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