Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
It was like getting head from an anaconda
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
