true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
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