i wish my penis had a tongue
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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