Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
