go do what you do best...puke behind churches
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
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