I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
