dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
