it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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