he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
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