dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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