I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Randomize
