I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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