Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
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