My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Randomize
