Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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