it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
Randomize
