There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
