Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
